over-achiever

sometimes, i think i try too hard.

i don't mean this in a woe-is-me, self-pitying kind of way. rather, as liz and i have been trying to pray and talk and wonder through all that God is doing in our lives, i find myself trying to work out exactly what is going to take place. i feel this overwhelming need to know what the next step is going to be, telling myself that i will be faithful to anything God has in store ... if only He will let me know what it is.

but i am wondering more and more if this is the faith that God has set out for me to learn. perhaps He wants me to simply trust, simply believe, simply do the little things that i know i am to do without needing to know all the major pieces. faithful with the little things, right?

as i read through fresh wind, fresh fire recently, i was struck by my desire to organize and administrate and operate my faith in a well-refined and structured paradigm, while the faith and the godly life that seems evident in the work of God described in the book was one of simple, profound abandon to the Author of creation. maybe ministry and calling and place-in-life are more found in simply being the child of God than in figuring out the exact place and things i am supposed to be about.

i hope for clarity, for direction, but i hope ever so much more for a renewed passion, a return to my first love for Christ. i hope and pray for the courage to do this and be this even when my planning mind is not assuaged. i need this.

i am desperate for it.

peace - b