life schizophrenic

so life is ... well, different than what we imagine it to be. not that it’s necessarily bad – just different. we set out each day, each week, each month on a journey, expecting to end up somewhere, but the compass goes out of whack, the map is missing roads, and you can forget about the gps working right. while this is often frustrating-annoying-disheartening, it is not always bad.

in fact, i would be hard-pressed not to call it sovereignty.

i know that can sound like pseudo-spiritual, canned christianity, but i’m learning more and more that it’s just the way God works ... at least with me.

so often i think i can figure it out. so often i think i can just try hard enough. so often i think i can do sufficient things to force the issue of what – in my infinitely finite thinking – is the right way things should go. and in the end, i find i am being taught the same lesson that i should have learned years and years ago: that God alone is God, and that my responsibility is just that, to be content in doing what i need to do with what He has given me to do.

right now, that appears to be selling relatively inexpensive entertainment and media resources to people who could still probably find better ways of investing their money.

but even that is a grand undertaking, to work hard at the job given to me to do and to try to find spiritually redeeming opportunities with those whom i serve and work with on a daily basis. is this the “career” i want for the rest of my life? clearly not, but it is my chance to make a difference – an eternal impact – in a place probably otherwise devoid of light. viewed in that regard, it is truly a magnificent pursuit i have been tasked with, really.

the last three-and-a-half years have been a whirlwind of ups and downs, of dreams and nightmares, of having my wildest expectations surpassed and other hopes dashed upon the rocks of this life. but that is what this life – this present life – will bring with it. and i have a hope that will never be dashed, a dream that will be fulfilled beyond any expectation.

and it is that to which i cling. and hopefully, i will learn these lessons at last.